The “Change”

The “Change”
I feel as if my world is coming unglued.
I am experiencing premenopausal symptoms.
I looked up symptoms of perimenopause. There’s 35 of them, and I have about half.
Yesterday was the worst. I blew up for something that could’ve been avoided.
I’m experiencing hot sweats; maybe because it’s midsummer or just anxiety.
I’ve been forgetting things at random.
I get electrical shock-like twinges in my legs.
My knee pain comes and goes.
I have irregular periods; today was very heavy and I felt horribly uncomfortable.
i sleep during the day but at night I wake up at the slightest noise.
I want to be alone more.
Nobody knows what I’m going through because this stuff happens according to the individual.
I can’t talk about it for fear of making myself look stupid.
I can’t find anything to do and unless I write something down I’ll completely forget what it is.
I regret being a lousy parent. I truly am reaping what I have sown.
My spouse is older, weaker and still has no clue on how to treat me like a wife and not a servant.
There are other concerns but I just wanted to write these down to get them off my chest.
The ones in BOLD are what I am experiencing at age 49.
Hot flashes, hot flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
Irregular heart beat
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night
(with or without night sweats)
Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
Loss of libido
Vaginal dryness
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses

Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
Itchy, crawly skin
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Exacerbation of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, vertigo, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
Tingling in the extremities
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis (after several years)
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, ‘whooshing,’ buzzing etc.

Update: I barely remember writing this, since it was 5 years ago. I truly was in a terribly depressive state, crazy even, over a relationship that was not to be. I had those symptoms in bold type but not the others, thank God.

I am now almost 54, having had a total hysterectomy as of November 2018 which did away with many of these symptoms. In a nutshell, since the year I wrote this, I have learned to give my cares unto the Lord. Nobody knew about this but me and Him. I never spoke of it, but now, since I need to be as transparent as possible, I can get it out. I just thank God that He healed me, not so much in these physical terms but spiritually.

Now I can look at my afflictions as a reason to rejoice, and not be afraid of the temptation to go hide from others and act like a child. God is my Healer and exceeding great Reward, and I will trust Him always, looking forward to my glorious body at the Rapture when Jesus takes me home.